one of my favorite songs just came on my itunes and it just struck this chord and i really felt the need to write down this memory i have with this song. i had just turned 22...new york city was still new and exciting to me... my roommates and i went to morrissey night at sway every monday down in the lower east side. this was another monday night, and nicollette had befriended a scottish couple who happened to be visiting for the week. i didnt talk to them much because i was dancing the whole night. as the after hours started to creep in and the bar emptied out...nicollette and her two friends were at the bar chatting away and i was left on my own to wander about. finally i gave up and went to take a seat next to the others who had given up dancing for the night. as soon as i sat down, "eye in the sky" by the alan parsons project came on. (this has been a favorite of mine since my dad gave me the cassette tape when i was 8). i was so shocked to hear it come on, i jumped up screaming "i love this song!!" i got ready to make my way to the empty dance floor and have one last dance..with myself. and the scottish guy said "ill dance with you!" me: "really?? fuck yea lets go!" and we went out there by ourselves...while his girlfriend chatted away with nicollette and i kept thinking "i hope she doesnt get mad at me" and "he is so dreamy...despite the cigarette in his left hand." he wore dress pants, a slightly opened collared shirt and a dress jacket over it...nothing i like but at that moment it was so right and he made it work so well. i just happened to be wearing a dress that night and it flowed so beautifully as we danced and twirled around each other, never touching..at that perfect distance where we were really dancing, for real. and he danced SO well. it was so perfect, so cinematic, and i kept hanging on to ever chord, every lyric... never wanting that song to end.

after that, the dj closed up shop, we went back and found the others and then went home. we were supposed to hang out again while they were visiting...i dont remember what happened, i think nicollette lost the number or something. so we never saw them again. i dont even remember his name. all i remember is that one perfect moment. like it wasnt even real, just a dream. but that dream becomes so vivid and clear again, every time i hear this song

im going out of my fucking mind. i cant believe only a week has passed..its been the longest week ever..and i still have 2 more to go. and what pisses me off the most is that this is my favorite month..everything is so pretty and colorful and halloween is coming up soon. but i cant enjoy it because im too busy racking my brain over something i have absolutely no control over at this point. how do i keep my mind off of it?? i read all day long...study...but it doesnt really help. im trying to remember what it was like last year, and i wonder if this time around its better or actually more stressful. i guess its the same..i dunno. because just like this time last year, i have absolutely no motivation to leave the house or hang out with friends. just stay in my room...read...watch law and order..repeat.

last year at the old apartment i had the heavy wooden blinds on the windows that kept all light out of my room when they were pulled down. i would stay up all night, till 7am when alex was getting up for work..watching episodes of the wonder years and daria on youtube..and then i would try to get through a little bit of war and peace, which around the middle of book 1 always succeeded in making me pass the fuck out. ( i must have redone that section a million times.) i would then sleep all day...my room staying dark the whole time because of the heavy blinds. then stay up all night, eating whole boxes of cereal and watching tv again. i guess at least i dont have to camp outside the visa office in the freezing cold again.

fuck i need to go to sleep so i can get up and work in the morning. how can i keep my sanity until november 2nd?? i wish david was still here :( other david comes on friday for a week...i guess he can help me by cooking me lots of awesome food every day :) gahhhhh. goodnight

i have never felt more like i have no control over my immediate future than i do now

i hate the feeling that comes at the end of a good visit from someone i care about...from an old friend, love or family member.. even if the visit is only a day or two, i develop an attachment...and after the person leaves, i feel like my other half is gone. i say goodbye, go back to my house..and everything is as it was before, empty..that lonely sinking feeling comes into my chest, and i sit on my bed and i think "ok, they're gone..its so quiet...what do i do now?" i struggle hard but finally find the motivation to go back to my daily real world routine with my responsibilities and my struggles.. and soon it feels normal again

right now im looking for that motivation. i have to do work, and i have to get my fucking shit together for the visa office. i was just reminded yesterday that i am supposed to be working for more than one company in order to be a freelancer...that completely escaped my mind this whole past year and so ive only been working for the one company because i make enough money just doing that. but yea..we will see what they say about that. ughhhhhhhhhhh. i feel totally exhausted right now. falling asleep as i type this

exactly

Queen Latifah - U.N.I.T.Y
von klmbaby

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DAVIDS HERE!