We are not muses
We are not things of exceptional beauty
Or objects to be painted or photographed in ways that make us more pleasing to the eye...in ways that complement delusions created by the imagination
We are not goddesses with porcelain skin robed in silk, floating gracefully like faeries with flowers hanging from perfect golden waves of hair
These statues, these portraits, these dolls, are all attempts to satisfy desire for perfection
We are only human, special, unique, not to be worshiped like religious idols
Take these expectations and bury them somewhere as deep as the void you wish to fill

I WOULD GIVE MY RIGHT EYE RIGHT NOW TO BE AT THE BEACH EATING PIZZA. sand, sun, warm water, slight ocean breeze, hot (hawaiian?) pizza in my hands, and friends around me.


i dotn think ive ever wanted anything so badly in my life. !!!!!!!!

i was just discussing my extreme hatred for seaworld 2 days ago with someone, and now this happens



i dont feel like writing about it right now...except just this: DONT fucking be surprised. DONT give money to this company. exploiting animals, keeping them in ridiculous conditions and making them perform all day is NOT how to "raise money for research & education" IT. IS. A. FUCKING. JOKE. AND A TRAGEDY.

CTV.ca News Staff
Date: Wednesday Feb. 24, 2010 4:25 PM ET
A SeaWorld trainer in Florida was pulled into the water and killed by a whale Wednesday afternoon just as a public show was about to begin.

Local news reports say a female employee at Shamu Stadium in Orlando had just told the audience what they were about to see when one of the whales leapt out of the water, grabbed her by the waist and thrashed her around in the water.

Victoria Biniak told Orlando's Local 6 news that she witnessed the attack, which she described as "violent" from the stadium's viewing area.

"The trainer was explaining different things about the whale and then the trainer that was down there walked away from the window," Biniak said. "Then (the whale) took off really fast in the tank and he came back, shot up in the air, grabbed the trainer by the waist and started thrashing (her) around."

Biniak said the trainer was shaken so violently that one of her shoes flew off during the incident.

According to Biniak, sirens immediately sounded at the stadium and spectators were quickly evacuated. The whale show has been cancelled, but the Orlando Sentinel reported that the park has not been closed.

A spokesperson with Orange County Fire Rescue confirmed personnel responded to a 911 call from the stadium shortly before 2 p.m. The employee was declared dead at the scene. Her identity has not been released.

SeaWorld officials are expected to brief the media later Wednesday.

bad things ALWAYS come in threes. it has never been any different for me. i was waiting for #3 and today it happened. i realized while in class today that i completely forgot to go to a substitution i agreed to do yesterday..it was happening while i was at the doctor. no one from work called to yell at me though..really strange. i hate shit like this because now i have to work so hard again to regain their confidence that i am even the slightest bit responsible. i hope they dont fire me (T_T)

today didnt start out the way i thought it would. i woke up at 6:15 and did my usual shit...made some oatmeal, but right before i ate it i suddenly felt like i was gonna puke my guts out so i spent the remainder of my morning dripping with sweat, staring at white porcelain that was the same color as my face. i didnt puke and the nausea went away so i went to work and decided it was time to make a doctors appointment finally. my stomach has been hurting for two weeks but i put it off as "gas pains" hehe. when i got home i made an appointment for thursday, then i told my roommate and she suggested the appendix which was exactly where i am hurting. so i went and looked up all the symptoms and they matched perfectly..and being the hypochondriac that i am i spent the next hour crying and imagining all the surgery i would have to have, and who would miss me when i died. then my great roommates said they would take me to the emergency room now, bc i shouldnt wait anymore with appendix shit. so we went and i was on the verge of tears the whole time. they suspected appendicitis, but also sent me to the resident gyno so she could check if it was something else. after 4 hours of prodding, poking, and waiting, it was decided that my girl parts are normal, my blood and piss came back normal and my appendix didnt feel too bad yet but if i keep having pain, come back immediately. awesome, no surgery and im not gonna die. but my stomach still hurts :( hopefully it goes away soon. and i cant eat solid food for a few days. no spaghetti :( but i did get a sweet consolation prize, a picture of my uterus! this is going on the fridge.



so now im home and i made some pumpkin soup and got some chocolate soy pudding and im relaxing with some felicity.


i was so excited when i found all 4 seasons online..but fuck i dont remember felicity being such a creepy stalker! and her and ben both just have the worst personalities ever. i hate the "hot, mysterious, kind of dumb guy with no personality" character. ie jordan catalano... anyways, noel is so much the better of the two guys. and i hate felicity every episode for not picking him. infidel. he is so sweet and caring, with ridiculously kind eyes and a great late 90s hair cut..noel i will date you



and speaking of jordan catalano, "brian krakow" is in this 2 parter of felicity that im watching now. he rapes one of the girls :O why does this guy always play creepsters on every show

sing me to sleep enya

when something so bad is so good, the only thing there is to do is listen to it on repeat all the way to work



ive been collecting mad power coins: music music music, blue skies, birds singing, warm air that smells like bonfires and spring, awesome food, 10 hour long skype conversations, hang out sesh's



my back feels so fucked up right now! i cant be a lazy ass anymore. i need to do some fucking yoga or im gonna die ..lets see if i can do it with my room being a mess.. i will try hard to ignore it. this would be a great living room

this weekend the sky was blue and it was nice to get outside for a little bit. spring is so close but still out of reach for a little while longer. on saturday i wondered around, then caught a bus and rode through town to the airport and spent the day doing one of my favorite things..its even better when i have cookies and my ipod with me like yesterday

w.h. auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

just hanging out at my old job, watching some old youtube favorites



raven, its been too long

i hate this picture i took last year.


it doesnt do the story justice. and i need to go back and get a new one this year. in august i think. i sat in that empty battle field for a long time (with appropriate music in my headphones) and tried to picture everything happening. and i looked for blood stains in the grass




sometimes i wonder if people can see what im feeling when im sitting on the train. i catch them looking at me and i feel like they just know.. they can see it in my eyes. im so bad at hiding it and i hate it. but, i like when i can see what other people are feeling. if it were sunny out i could just keep my sunglasses on.

i changed my mind. i like the picture

after two straight weeks of visitors im trying to get back into some kind of routine here. im glad its the weekend, i just need really really long break by myself. but ive definitely been filled with so much love and good times from all of my friends. it felt so good. and there are FOUR more visitors lined up before the summers over too. fuuuck. my heart will be on fire!! i cant wait. it was so fun with jamie and ben here, and getting to see alex again for TWO days instead of one. the only thing that sucked was that rick didnt come at the last minute. i might have shed a tear or two over that. i finally got the whole iron front album and i cant stop listening to it. its motivation and inspiration you can listen to straight through!! i cant fucking wait till the show in april. did i already mention that? anywayz heres some pitchers


ben and our penis cookie cake


realistic filling for penis cake


the entire ground was a giant ice skating rink and it was impossible to walk on without falling for about a week. i shed much blood from falling




sunrise on the river on my way to work


swan


perspective


from the excalibur celtic rock opera. yes the stage is shaped like excalibur and yes it was on fire


i found this old one from december in orlando of brandon me and joey at bbq bar

a friendly daily reminder:



whats worse than being a fool is letting the fear of being a fool keep you from trying.
whats worse than being stabbed in the heart is letting the fear of being stabbed in the heart hold you back.
the things you will regret are the things you never try.
and the question that will forever haunt you is "what if"

a fortress serves no purpose when theres nothing within it to protect.

bathroom update:

i just cant stop thinking about the show that i just found out about, that will be happening in berlin in a few months. STRIKE ANYWHERE, BOUNCING SOULS, PENNYWISE



although actually i would be perfectly content with just SA and BS...especially since i just read that pennywise's singer left last year!! how is it even still the same band? his voice was so distinct. oh well- im having lots of flashbacks to every past show..and of course the one in particular where SA and BS played together at the masquerade in tampa back in 03. that was the only time i ever saw them both together and it was a fucking vision of love. the only thing that would make this a perfect night would be to have all the kids i care about with me-everyone i went to the shows with and held onto with arms embraced, sweaty and bruised. everyone i shared car sing-alongs with as we raced the sun to the cocoa beach shore. everyone who danced on top of broken furniture and cannon-balled into pools and connected like blood brothers and sisters to the lyrics of the albums of our time. it seems like the only shows i get this excited to go to are bands that ive been listening to for years and years. does that mean i dont listen to anything new? WHO CARES!! IM GOING TO BUY SO MUCH MERCH AND "SING ALONG FOREVERRRR!!!!!"

mondays on the train to work

And to reflect is to regret
Throwing it all away
And apathy my one way street
It took so much from me
Separated by this divide I created through my fears
And in your tears you tried to show
Blind eyes and tell deaf ears

If we can make it through the landslide standing
We’ll lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon
Been looking in from the outside lately
I’ve seen who I used to be and it’s not me

And we can keep healing
And we can keep holding on

I just want to take you where our time won’t waste anymore
Through the mountains on the water we’ll stay engulfed in one another
And when I can wake up to see the sunrise in you eyes
then we’ll finally be free and I’ll know I’ve made it home

So lets go out west and bask in the overcast
And walking through the rain we’ll see the beauty in life again

life again

And to reflect is to regret
Throwing it all away
And apathy my one way street
It took so much from me
Separated by this divide I created through my fears
And in your tears you tired to show
Blind eyes and tell deaf ears

We can keep healing

All alone

We can keep holding on

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.



Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right
The leaves upon her falling light
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

this is by far the greatest greatestttt thing anyones ever made for me and i just needed to share it. i met hendrick on january 11th. he pretty much fucking shreds the house every day. today he wrote this song for me:

met her on a boring show
knew she was worth the entry right away (though i didnt have to pay anyywwayyyy)
funny smile, funny eyes, Pizza girl - you make me wanna talk all night
rocking it out on evil metal shows - first row she goes -singing the words to herself
i should have known you long ago
pizza girl, i should´ve.

a world packed with magic and videos
she walks the snowy woods alone
brave and dreaming of unicorns
a mythical world saving her from lifes desillusions
strong heart beating in a small body

pizza girl, you made me like pineapples...

i may have found the image i would like to have tattooed on my butt! i just found this the other day...im still accepting suggestions but at this point, this is definitely in the lead (although i would get it a little lower). i think this really looks great